The Hidden Grief of High-Functioning Black Women
A note on rest, unspoken sorrow, and the sacred retreat I’ve created to tend to our grief
A few years ago, I got sick.
But no one could tell me what was wrong.
I was told it wasn’t real.
I was treated like I was making it up.
Meanwhile, my body was unraveling—
chronic fatigue, hearing loss, and mobility changes.
And still, the world expected me to show up strong.
Smile.
Lead.
Hold it all together.
Even in my unraveling, I was expected to perform.
My job kept scheduling meetings,
kept sending deadlines.
My children acknowledged that I was sick.
They knew something was off.
But even they expected me to keep up
my usual routine and pace.
This is how Black women become invisible—
not in our presence,
but in our pain.
Grief is noticed,
but not honored.
Exhaustion is witnessed,
but still, we are asked to give.
We are not allowed to fall apart.
Only to function.
And that expectation?
It is its own kind of violence.
After months of spiraling and being dismissed by doctors,
I finally learned that what I was experiencing was Long COVID.
Eventually, I found a Long COVID specialist who opened my chart and said,
“Yes, I see this. Yes, you’re not imagining it. This is real.”
And that’s when it happened.
Tears welled up—
not because I was sad,
but because I was finally being believed. She saw me.
Ever since then, I’ve been asking:
Where do those hidden tears come from?
You know the ones—
they arrive out of nowhere with no warning.
What do I mean by hidden tears?
They’re the ones that come out of nowhere.
Unprovoked. Unspoken. Unexpected.
You’re standing at the sink. Or sitting in traffic. Or folding laundry—
and suddenly, your eyes fill, and the tears fall.
No clear trigger. No loud emotion.
Just release.
These are the tears that live in the quiet places.
Grief that hasn’t been named, but has been carried.
Grief the body remembers—
even when the mind doesn’t know what to call it.
I believe that’s what so many of us are carrying.
Frozen grief, wrapped in excellence.
Smiling grief. Functioning grief.
High-achieving, deeply exhausted grief.
Through somatics, I’ve learned to sit with it.
To listen.
To sit with the ache, not rush past it.
And in doing that—over and over again—
I’ve built a relationship with my body.
One that doesn’t abandon me in pain.
One that knows: grief and rest go together.
Grief is exhausting.
It pulls from the bones.
And we’ve been taught to grieve in silence, in motion, in shutdown.
We shut down quietly.
We become top tier, spotless, reliable.
But inside?
We’re hollowed out. We’re grieving in isolation.
And that’s why I created the Soft Return Retreat.
What is The Soft Return Retreat?
It’s a 3-day sacred experience for Black women
who are carrying hidden, unspoken, or unprocessed grief—
and also those ready to move, dance, release, praise, rest, and be held.
We will make room to rest.
The kind of rest where you're not expected to do one thing but rest.
No fixing. No explaining. No holding space for everyone else. Just unapologetic rest.
We’ll sit in community.
We’ll cry.
We’ll laugh.
We might scream.
We’ll move our bodies.
We’ll dance.
We’ll breathe.
We’ll honor our grief—without apology, and without a rush to get over it.
And there will be joy, too.
Joy that spills out in soft conversation, dancing bodies, and long, unrushed naps.
Not the kind that asks you to be okay first—
but the kind that shows up when your body finally feels safe.
This is how a Black woman experiences a soft return
to her breath,
her brilliance,
and back to herself.
If this speaks to you, click the link below to apply or find out more information.
The Soft Return Retreat
A Journey Through Grief to Joy and Rest
November 13–16 | Hope Springs Institute, Ohio
🔗 Click here to learn more + apply
This is for you if:
You’re tired but can’t name why.
You’ve cried in secret and kept going.
You’ve been the strong one for too long.
You want to rest, grieve, and be soft—without apology.
You’re ready for community that doesn’t ask you to shrink or perform.
The Soft Return Retreat
A Journey Through Grief to Joy and Rest
November 13–16 | Hope Springs Institute, Ohio
🔗 Click here to learn more + apply
Want to Support This Offering?
This retreat is made possible in part through the generosity of community.
If you feel moved to support Black women’s healing, you can donate directly to Hope Springs Institute.
Click the link below, select your donation amount, choose “Program Scholarship” from the dropdown menu, and type “The Soft Return Retreat” in the memo box.
🫱🏾 Donate to Hope Springs Institute
Your gift helps provide access to this sacred space for a Black woman who needs it.
Thank you for helping us honor rest as a form of collective care and healing.
This read like a spoken word piece. I’ve had those tears well up from seemingly nowhere. 🥹And I hate when those cries get interrupted! I tell my children to let me cry in peace I’m ok. 😌
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